3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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