you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
