It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
