I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
