I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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