i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
