she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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