I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
