My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
