what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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