Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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