Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
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