You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
