What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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