Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
