I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
