You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
