I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
zippers are such a cool invention
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
