I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
