i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
