i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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