he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
