I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
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