So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
