He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
