On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
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