it's like heaven, but drunker
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
