yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
