I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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