when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
