dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I cannot find my penis.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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