hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Randomize
