after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
