I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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