the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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