dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
