Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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