Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
