mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
