Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
