How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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