Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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