My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
