I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Randomize
