when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
There r osticjed everywhere
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
