Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
