so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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