i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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