I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Randomize
