It was confusing and full of hummus
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
